Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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