i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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