the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
