he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
there is glitter all over my balls
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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