He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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