Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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