I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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