Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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