You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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