please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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