If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
