last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
