she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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