Betty ford says i'm here all night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
