Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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