I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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