My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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