yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
