started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
