I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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