my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
