He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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