I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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