my being single is dangerous.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
3pm strippers are depressing
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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