Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Less talking, more tequila
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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