My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
