My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
