Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
