Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
