I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
