i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I could make wine with my vomit
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
