she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
