I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
