I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
