Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Bring me that man meat
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
