that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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