last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
