i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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