you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
