last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
