There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When did angry sex become our thing?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
