I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
