I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
