life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
