why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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