i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
