What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
40s are totally the cure
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
