I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
