I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
