i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
